


D: Don’t you dare

by notsatanplease



Series: Jeongcheol A to Z [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 17:06:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13617828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsatanplease/pseuds/notsatanplease
Summary: Mentions of suicide.





	D: Don’t you dare

**Author's Note:**

> I love them, I really do-

In the darkness of the night, the small sound of blankets rustling fills the silence comfortably. Careful footsteps begins from the bedroom to the windows in the dining hall, the owner of these dainty feet hyper aware of the consequences should he be discovered.

Taking extra precautions to ensure no one finds out about his circumstances, the brunette casts a long look at the moon outside the glass of their apartment, a hand placed gingerly on the back of the bar stool as he steadies himself from the sudden change in position. He has been feigning sleep for the past few hours after all.

The moon shines enticingly, with no clouds blocking the view. It seems like a wonderful night to go to the roof for a while — a much needed time alone.

He lets the thought run through his head for a bit and once the decision was made, the young man shuffles across the wooden flooring to get to his coat crowding the doorway, nothing much, just one out of thirteen others. No one will notice.

_No one._

That was his first mistake. As he busies himself with the buttons on his cream coloured outerwear, he fails to notice the concerned gaze coming from a certain someone down the hallway, outside their shared room.

Closing the door behind him as quietly as humanely possible, he tilts his head down and walks towards the door leading to his desired destination.

The way to the rooftop was a familiar one what with the dance leader’s penchant for organising parties there to celebrate their wins and achievements, accompanied by the hustle and bustle of the whole team no matter how unwilling certain of the members may seem. The stairway leading up oftentimes filled with their joyous cheers and booming laughter, a pleasant place.

But this, this solo route was a silent and intimate ritual for him and him only. As the creaking of the metal stairs below him echoes in his ears with every passing step, a familiar calm takes over him.

The almond eyed singer stands in complete stillness behind the edge of the building once he reaches the last step, away from immediate danger but not far enough to ensure his safety. With his eyes closed, Jeonghan takes a deep whiff of the cold winter air and feels his body relax into a slouch, exhaustion and suppressed emotions coming all at once now that he is in his own element.

The voices start.

Low ones, deep baritones that carry reasoning and logic behind screams in his head, telling him to move further back into safety before he makes an extra step and risks losing everything he has. What a nice sound, soothing and reassuring, reminiscent of someone dear.

He hesitates until a second one is heard.

A softer, sweeter one responds with cruel persuasion . Go ahead it says they don’t need you anyway it whispers. Small but deadly.

His eyes scrunches up as the latter continues drowning out the Low voices. In an instant, the familiar nasal tone starts spewing the words that were kept in his memory despite his efforts to remove them, haunting him and eating him alive in his darkest times.

“Why is he chosen, just because of his looks?”

**I am replaceable.**

“Your voice is not like Seokmin or Seungkwan, there isn’t as much possibility to your versatility.”

**I am not talented.**

“What are you? A boy or a girl? Make up your mind!”

**I am invalid.**

“Hyung, stop clinging on to me, you are being annoying.”

**I am unwanted.**

“Yoon Jeonghan shouldn’t even be in the team, he is only there probably because he fucks the management”

**I am useless.**

The voice, that voice was none other than his own.

At that realisation, he smiles and the voice disappears, content with the damage. The smile hangs wryly on his face more like a bitter crack of his lips than anything as he admits to the moon of his darkest secrets.

Taking a seat at the very spot he stood for the past ten minutes, Jeonghan wonders out loud with his knees drawn to his chest.

No, he does not have severe self-esteem issues, but has that ever saved him from his own criticism? It hasn’t.  
No, he doesn’t live in a bad environment, he is surrounded by people he loves and a job he is passionate about, but are things always going his way? Definitely not.  
No, he does not have a crippling depression, but does that stop him from having suicidal thoughts? It never has and it never will.

The next mistake he makes was when he forgot to keep his silence as he took the self perceived solitude for granted. The second the crystal tears drop from his eyes, he was engulfed by a warm embrace with an overwhelmingly comforting scent he has come to recognise as home.

Absentmindedly, he registers the muscular legs caging his suddenly frail figure protectively — it is his Seungcheol. Letting his lashes fall back onto his cheeks, Jeonghan finally collapses in to the sturdy chest out of habit and exhaustion.

A deep breath in and a shaky breath out. I’ve been found out.

“Don’t you dare.” _I love you, you are not alone._ The deep voice behind him starts although majority of the threat was taken away by the quiver in his speech. He feels a hiccup from the firmness stuck to his back and knows that the elder is fighting back tears of his own.

“I won’t.” _I’m sorry, I know._ The brunette tries to comfort his lover but they both know that he is tired and spent so he settles for putting an icy palm over the warm ones circling his waist in an attempt to calm the elder. As he waits for Seungcheol to gather his thoughts, he notes that the other has always had the body temperature of a child, perhaps the heat was what drew him in, opposites attract after all.

“I never knew.” He adjusts their hand positions, covering the younger’s fingers with his own, rubbing a comforting circle over the near frozen fingers. His careless angel has forgotten his gloves again.

“I didn’t want you to.” He turns his head in the crook of the elder’s shoulder, pressing a loving kiss to his jaw, tasting the salt of his tears. _What a crybaby_ , he thinks to himself as he wipes away his own tears on Seungcheol’s wool cardigan, acting as if he himself never shed a single tear.

Of course, the elder always knows, so he raises his free hand that isn’t warming the other’s and helps him, tenderly rubbing away the traces of tears from his smooth cheekbones a heartbreaking smile etched on his beautiful face.

“What a prideful man.”

A kiss follows the statement soon after, with the raven haired man dipping down to stamp his lips on the waiting ones, a hand placed at the side of Jeonghan's face a reminder of his support and undying love for the other. 

Despite himself, the kiss full of worship triggered the silenced self-doubt that bubbles into more tears flowing freely down his enclosed eyes, clumping his lashes in the most alluring way, causing his breath to hitch almost painfully in his throat. 

Breaking apart from one another, Seungcheol peers down at the younger, who was now reduced to barely concealed sobbing, chest constricted in suffering at the heart-wrenching view of his lover without a single wall of emotional defense. Every sharp gasp of air from the angel in his arms broke a little bit of his heart, but he tries his best to not show it, to not let Jeonghan be strained further by the pain he brought along with the revelation of his own. His burden is already so tedious, there is no such need for more. 

After a few more minutes of crying and Seungcheol rubbing more comforting circles into his hand and warming his soul, Jeonghan finally calms down enough to break the heavy silence encompassing them.

"I am sorry you had to find out this way." _It must have hurt you, I don't want to burden you anymore than I should._

"Nothing to apologize for." _I love you either way, I really do._  

"Don't indulge me." _You have done so much already, you will get tired and leave me soon._

"I have never stopped." _And I never will, trust me._

For the first time that night, Jeonghan relaxes. The puffs of air coming out from their mouths mixed together in a ephemeral mist of whiteHe has never been one to rely on others for his emotional welfare, always the one listening to the woes of the younger ones, giving them a shoulder to cry on and a hug to cuddle in. As the self-proclaimed mother of the team, his support came in the form of his strong mentality and unyielding positivism, something he knows many of them struggle with when left to their own devices. Therefore, all these years, while he has helped defend them from their own demons, he has slowly but surely allowed his own to eat away at him. Even after he has found love in the attractive leader of the group, he does not reveal all versions of his vulnerability.  

But tonight, as he basks in the moonlight and the love of his life, he knows, that no matter how long it will take for him to be happy with himself, he will have one person by his side, guiding him along the uncertainty of it all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted to write something more angsty but this sort of calm realisation felt more realistic. I don’t know, should I explore more? Please let me know in the comments and thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I think this might be my favourite piece so far no matter how painful it was when writing it.


End file.
